Finding the right balance

Parenting two special needs children can be challenging.  Schooling them takes it to a whole other level.  When we first moved to Colorado two years ago we decided to put both of our boys into public school for the first time.  It was a hard decision… but the right decision.  Our youngest child thrived like never before while our oldest did the opposite.  Our oldest, Jaden, has Asperger’s Syndrome.  In public school he struggled socially for the first time, was given “baby work” to complete, got angry at everyone and held it all inside.  We found out much later that he had flat out refused to do his schoolwork, yet he won several school awards for getting all As and Bs.  After half a year, we decided to school him at home again.  He is still healing from it all, two years later, and every couple of weeks processes through what happened with me.

It has been really good to experience the one-to-one ratio in teaching Jaden.  He has grown a lot.  I have grown a lot.  I love home schooling.

With that being said, there are still struggles.  Many struggles.  The other day I told a friend that I think Jaden’s condition is becoming more evident as he ages.  Then this weekend my husband told me the same thing.  I think it’s the change in hormones that has perhaps triggered some behaviors in him.  We knew that this might happen, but of course had hoped that it wouldn’t.  Our son will never be “normal”, but by the grace of God he can succeed and thrive!  Anyway, as his parent and as his teacher, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to best help him learn in the midst of his special needs.  In public school they gave him very easy work, didn’t make him do it and then gave him good grades.  I think this happened because he does have special needs.  It’s hard to navigate through what he does and does not need,. let alone provide the individual attention that he needs when in a public school setting.  But I don’t want my son to be babied or left behind academically.  I want him to learn.  And since home schooling him again, he is actually learning again.   He scored in the 97th percentile on his state testing. That is huge.  Huge.  He is working hard and doing well.  However, I’m having trouble figuring out how much to help him.  Is he just being lazy, or does he actually need me to sit down next to him in order to complete the majority of his written assignments?  How much do I make him write things down and how much does he dictate and I write out for him?  He has a lot of trouble with fine motor skills – writing is very hard for him.  Just focusing is very hard for him.  The goal is that he learns – that he succeeds, right?  But at the same time, I don’t want him to be dependent on me.  I want to teach him not only academics, but how to think independently.  How to thrive on his own.  But I don’t want to expect too much from him either.  It is a very, very hard balance to find.  I am definitely not an expert on Aspergers and even if I was, every child on the Autism Spectrum is different.  I need to find the right balance for my child.

So I’m praying through it.  Last week I decided to experiment a little bit and Jaden got his first F.  I spent several weeks prior teaching him how to study for a test on his own. Completely on his own.  I talked through how to sound out spelling words so you can remember them for a test.  I taught him how to go back and review information.  I talked through things out loud with him and taught him to do that for himself.  Then, last week, I let him study on his own for his language arts and spelling tests.  And he failed.  He tried hard, but failed.  And I felt just awful.  I know that if I had helped him to study more – helped him focus, helped him sound things out, helped him to review information out loud –  he would have gotten an A, like usual.  He would have actually learned the information.

So, after talking things through with Scott, we’ve decided that for now at least, Jaden needs more help in order to learn.  I might not get as much done during the day.  I might need to ask for an extension on my coursework for my Holistic Health Practitioner studies.  I might not be able to re-open JCnaturals.  I will continue to stay at home, teach our son, and our family will continue to live on less.  No family vacations to Disney World (even though we would LOVE to go).  No expensive summer camps or clothing or spending sprees.  But my son will be learning.  And that is a far bigger priority for this little family.